England rejoices as pub gardens open – spreading joy, pork scratchings and (hopefully) no communicable diseases

April 12 marks “Lockdown Freedom Day”

Bask in the glory of the cold pint pot. Credit: CC

Ahh the pub garden. The nations home from home. Cold snap you say? Two pints of that and a Guinness please. A bit of cold weather didn’t stop us before and it certainly won’t now. What do you think we put this lockdown weight on for? You didn’t think we were just lazy and fat did you? No sir! We’ve binged David Attenborough and learnt from the best. A thin fat layer can isolate a brisk English wind for approximately 6 rounds and a potter to the kebab shop – evolution.

As of 12pm last night England entered “Lockdown Freedom Day”, seeing pubs, non-essential shops and hairdressers open after what seems like a lifetime. The phrase itself was coined by Conservative MP Christopher Chope and forgive us, but we are now acutely suspicious of Tory motives – especially when they sound like a good time. 

Come on, join us down this rabbit hole for a moment;

Always worth a peak… Credit. CC

We all know someone’s dad who frowns, shakes his head and explains sternly that he “doesn’t believe in Valentines Day…it’s a scam made up by Hallmark to sell cards” – you know the story. Well it’s Lockdown Freedom Day 2025 and this same man is crying into his 8th pint, telling anyone who will listen about the glorious day the amber nectar rose again. He has been showered with Spoons vouchers and pint pot keyrings by his family, who under Tory law must abide by the new national holiday. Christopher Chope’s best mate had a sudden urge to make keyrings and banners about pints and pubs… they are now both millionaires – cackling as they sip nurse’s tears on the rocks…

Sorry. Got a bit lost down there – up you get.

The point is we can finally go to the pub. It’s going to be bloody great. Try to eat something that isn’t just crisp shaped, tip the bar staff and be safe out there people!