How could a single sentence open up the world of a young, unaware queer? Well, that’s how…
“Do you want to read my sister’s fanfiction?” whispered my friend as we were lying in her bed, during one of our typical 7th grade sleepovers. At the time, little did I know how this simple question would open up my world.
Her sister’s fanfiction, ie. a fiction based on existing work and written by a fan, was reinventing the Harry Potter world. Set during the Marauders’ Era, its main characters were Sirius Black, a man, and Remus Lupin, also a man. Guess what? They were together. To-ge-ther. As in, kissing, flirting, and boning. It created the biggest revolution in my mind.
The internet, and that specific box I had fallen into, was flooded with a diversity of content that revealed a whole new way of perceiving the world.
Her sister quickly taught us the words we needed to know. Smut, OTP (one true pairing), yaoi, this world was full of acronyms and specific slang, and I was so easily hooked. I stumbled upon other fanfictions; I read rom-coms, dramas, comedies, but the more marvellous was, I could find content on any couple. Men flirting with men, women flirting with women, men flirting with women, genderbend heroes, even polyamourous relationships.
The internet, and that specific box I had fallen into, was flooded with a diversity of content that revealed a whole new way of perceiving the world.
I started sharing my own writings with writers as passionate as I was. On these websites, it was so easy to enthuse about gay relationships or lesbian love. And from a common love of this universe and openmindedness grew friendships and closer, deeper discussions; about politics, love, sex, everything.
Years later, I had the discussion with these friends – but what if I’m like them? What if I’d like to kiss girls too? – and yet, it didn’t even appear as such a big deal because of how normal we made it look, in our small bubble.
The first time I realised how wrong my perceptions were, I was in P.E, in year 10. As my friends were discussing relationships, these words slipped out of my mouth: “Would you go out with a girl? I think I would.” I was met with a strong silence and eyes full of disbelief.
We were young, it was easy to laugh it off and forget about it. Yet, I couldn’t forget about it. I had realised, full frontal, how blind my small internet world had made me. It wasn’t time yet for me to confront that reality.
Most of the time, it was me and my friends, and all the queerness we could exude.
More than ever, the internet became an obvious refuge. To anyone wondering, I liked boys, thank you very much. But no, you’re not allowed to touch my computer, because my bookmarks are HELLA GAY.
It was easy to dive deep in the comfort of the internet, with the knowledge of being safely surrounded. Sure, there was a bigot and a homophobe or two, but most of the time, it was me and my friends, and all the queerness we could exude.
Slowly, however, my snippet of the internet changed. People weren’t proud and loud only in small circles. An undying passion for BL, boys love manga, rocked the emo-teen vibe Tumblr had at first, and the site’s art, aesthetics and stories pullulated with LGBT content.
Youtubers started booming and, guess what, some of them were gay. Shocker, some of them even came out publicly, in videos, and they were supported. I remember gasping for air watching the Troye Sivan coming out video. Was that Ingrid Nilsen, saying she was gay? Was the world as glittery as I hoped it was? Was it time to confront reality, finally?
Well, almost time. After all, reality still isn’t as pretty as I had hoped. It’s often easier to turn a blind eye, to push my love of girl back inside and let my love of boy roam freely, but it’s wrong to do so.
So you gear up, smile, and try to change the world, one mind at a time. Yet sometimes still, I take a breather and dive back in the internet world, full of blissful lesbian couples and bisexual heroes, from youtube videos to heart-wrenching webcomics.
To the internet that opened my eyes and my heart, that same one still offering comfort to millions of other unaware queer womxn around the world, I thank the universe for you.