Kaiya opens up about navigating her sexual curiosity during her school years
Growing up, many of us spent some time figuring out our sexuality. At the time you’re confused and feel alone but you soon come to realise that having a curious phase is a very normal part of being a teenager. I always thought that I was straight, but experienced bicuriosity between year eight and year ten, especially year nine – so between the age of 12-15. It wasn’t the case that I started fancying lots of girls the same amount as boys. I’ve always fancied men and it wasn’t really dependent on looks either. I’ve always been more attracted to personality, but a relationship with one of my closest female friends formed, which automatically felt completely different to any other female or male friendship I already had.
If you’ve read some of my content already you’d know that I’m a big TV buff, and as social media became more prominent during this time, I had a lot of media that influenced me and the way that I felt at the time. Seeing female friendships blossom into relationships on my television screen seemed to really resonate with me, and as I felt a special bond with my friend, I started to wonder what it would be like if my relationship with this person would develop into something more too. The LGBTQ+ representation was increasing – especially bisexuality and it opened up my thought process and my feelings sort of blew up.
Seeing female friendships blossom into relationships on my television screen seemed to really resonate with me
I had queer friends; they weren’t out and were definitely still confused as well. We were all at a stage in society where being queer was okay and accepted a lot more than in the past. So, acceptance and judgement wasn’t really the issue. The issue was that I had these feelings for someone so close to me, and I was confused as to why I hadn’t felt this for any of my other friends. What was normal and what wasn’t normal to feel was confusing for me – especially as I had yet to have my first romantic relationship – and I dealt with that quietly for a long time.
I was very lucky that me and this person dealt with our feelings openly and honestly with each other, and went through this confusing time together regardless of what the outcome was. Both of our closest smallest friendship groups knew about the situation and without judgement; we were in a place where we could take our time to figure things out.
So what was the outcome?
After many months and many days spent together just hanging out, chatting about our feelings and an eventual conclusion, we ended our ‘romantic’ relationship. It was a mutual decision and ended on good terms. I think I would’ve happily taken more time to figure things out with this person but she had conflicted feelings of her own and she didn’t want to continue.
Since then I came to the conclusion I was straight. Now being 22, I haven’t had this type of connection with a woman since. I wouldn’t rule it out if it ever happened in the future, but I’m not looking for a female relationship and don’t consider them sexually. Of course, I do find women attractive but thanks to that phase growing up, I’m finally comfortable in my sexuality.